Monday, October 21, 2013

If I Only Knew

Here is a part of my other book I'm working on.

Matt pulled into the ally and stopped the car.  Conner jumped out of the passenger seat, ran about 6 feet and grabbed Katie.

“What are you doing?  Let me go!”  I yelled and swung my arms to try and hit him.  He didn’t let go.  The guy shoved me in the front seat, slammed the door and jumped into the backseat behind me.  The other guy stepped on the gas and went to the end of the ally and turned right on 1st Street.

“Hey there chick, we're not going to hurt you if you cooperate.”   Conner pulled out a shiny knife, brought it around from the back seat and placed it about six inches in front of my face.  “Are you going to do as we say?”

I sat and stared at the knife.  I froze and couldn’t move.

Matt looked over at me as he drove down the street and turned on Bell Ave.  “Conner, I see a cop heading out of Buddy’s.  Drop the knife!”

I leaned forward and dug my teeth into the middle of Conner’s arm.  I tasted a little blood, but kept my teeth in tacked.


  1. Exciting snippet. One editing correction: “Hey there chick, where not going to hurt you..." should be "we're not going to hurt you..."

    Off to a nice start.

    Tossing It Out

    1. Got it and thanks. : ) I'll make the correction.

  2. Pretty good. I would also make an adjustment to "I sat and stared at the knife." Just say, "I stared at the knife." We already know she is sitting.

    "in tacked" is actually, "intact."

    One other thing I just noticed: We already know the main character is yelling. Why not just say, "What are you doing? Let me go!" I swung my arms to try and hit him.

    As always, I enjoy reading your writing. Good luck with this one.

    1. Thank you and I know I'll have a lot of changes to make.